How to screw up and crash a Wedding by Colonel Hikigaya
by Predator7
Summary: Title says all. 8man crashes Yukinoshita and Hayama's wedding. Just with a tad correction.


**This story was probably Long Overdue since the moment Oregairu Fanfiction started and I was like "Why the hell isn't there one?"**

 **But you know what?**

 **When you can't find one, you have to make one.**

 **Before that however, I want to thank OmegaEleven and zEnKoReNzO and Lyinghiki for helping me out with this story.**

 **OmegaEleven for editing and for suggesting a whole lot of stuff in the story.**

 **zEnKo for helping me maintain the core of what I was writing.**

 **Lyinghiki for pointing out several things after this was posted a few hours later.**

 **And finally StoryTellerOfTheMist for his story "How it ends" that gave me the kick to write this story.**

 **And please rate this from a 1-10 scale, and fav/follow my works if you like them.**

 **Oh and please, don't use or try the Torture method on anyone, it took several tries to perfect that and it might be difficult to do…especially the "Blocking" part, Took several failed experiments to perfect that…..**

 **Well onto the hunt :-**

* * *

 **[Tokyo, Japan]**

Three men walked into an Interrogation room.

The room just had a table on which a metal briefcase was kept. There was also a chair on which a man (aka PMC currently prisoner) was seated (chained and taped) and the chairs and table were bolted to the ground, the three went and stood around the room.

Looking at the lights which were off, one of them tried to flick the switch, which didn't do anything.

"Won't work," Another said, "These guys got us real good. If we really want light, we'll have to wait for three hours."

"Forget it. We'll start now." The man sitting in the chair opposite to the prisoner said, "Who hired you?"

The prisoner kept silent.

"Buddy you better Spill the beans or we will send you to the Shivering Isles." Another man standing opposite to him said, "The Shivering Isles, ever heard of it?"

The first man now continued, "It's a place which can break the worst of humanity."

"Once you enter it there's only one way out…in a box."

"So….I'll ask again, who hired you?" The man sitting in the centre walked towards the prisoner who looked up at his captor. The man looked up at his captor who bore a striking resemblance to some guy that the media had painted a War-hero.

This man however seemed more dead than alive.

"You're not getting anything out of me while I'm alive." The man declared confidently.

The man just sighed and walked back and sat on the chair fixed opposite to the chained person.

"Have fun." The man said while sitting down on the chair while the two men walked over to the briefcase. On opening it a remark of surprise escaped from the second while a whistle escaped from the first.

"Where did they get this shit?" The man exclaimed fiddling with something that the man chained to the chair couldn't see.

"Probably Wal-Mart," The other man replied while holding up and inspecting a Blowtorch closely.

"Really…I bet they just found this in the middle of some Junk." The first man asked while fiddling with a pair of Huge garden Scissors **. (Or trimmers I don't actually remember)**

"Your guess is as good as mine, nobody has any idea where they get this stuff from." The second man replied while inspecting a pair of pliers.

"Yeah, like the time they handed us outdated tech and then told us to go and win a war with that." Frank said while closing the briefcase and moving towards the man.

"Now Comrade, would you prefer to talk….or to scream?" Felix said while moving closer to the man.

* * *

 **[15 MINUTES LATER]**

"He won't talk like that." The man in the center said while they were in the process of heating up the pliers to pull out his balls…after they had torn out the fingernails of his toes as well as his fingers. The man thankfully, for them men at least, had been gagged making him unable to scream….as well as talk.

"Alright, Felix get some Petrol, I'll get some wires….we'll hook 'em up and see what happens." Frank told Felix as he turned off the blowtorch.

"The electricity is out, did you forget?" The man said.

"Oh Dear me I forgot, what do we do?" Felix asked the man in the centre.

Hikigaya sitting on the chair just gave a wicked smile.

"Bring me a couple of bottles from the Officer's bar and I'll show you true torture."

* * *

 **[5 minutes later]**

"This feels like overkill." Frank asked as he looked at the sight before him.

The man had been stripped naked and was now bound to a beam on the wall before he was "Forcibly" made to drink all the 10 bottles of an alcoholic drink...brewed with the help of Tank brake fluid.

Any man would have to take a piss after just three, however they had forcibly "cock-blocked" the guy and now watched him flail around helplessly as his nude photos were in the process of being flooded on the web….on a ridiculously slow internet connection.

"What was the first thing that I taught you guys?" Hikigaya said apparently enjoying the man's agony.

"One good plan, no matter how brutal or whatever consequences might be, is always better than a bad plan or doing nothing." The two men replied in a mechanical tone.

Then after a minute the man gave up.

* * *

Hikigaya stormed out of the Interrogation room and the men and women in the building made sure to stay clear of him.

"Someone is going to get his ass kicked today." The men and women thought together as they saw him rush through the building. His two men ran out of the room and were barely able to keep pace with him.

They entered the command centre where several dozen analysts were continuously moving here and there coordinating their Units in the Field, they had just been attacked an hour earlier and as a result they were on High-Alert.

He approached a side chamber that had Director written on the outside door. As he entered it a man sitting on a plain desk stood up.

"Ah, Hikigaya-san I was just going to look for…."

"Where can I find Yukinoshita Yoshino right now?" Hikigaya barked and from the tone of his voice it could easily be identified that he was not in a good mood,

….well he was never in a good mood anyway.

"Well I remember her daughter's wedding was going to take…" The man stopped seeing the expression on Hikigaya's face. He quickly looked through some notes not because he had forgotten the address but mostly because he didn't want to face his wrath.

"AH, here is it." It was literally snatched from his hands as Hikigaya takes the paper and looked at it for a second before throwing it down and then turning on his heels walked off.

"Let's go." He said to the men following him.

"But wait-" He attempts to say but Hikigaya was already gone.

"…you aren't authorized to go."

Outside there were quite a few men aside from the standard JSDF personals and IUPF chilling out. As they spotted him however, their carefree nature disappeared.

"All units, we're moving out," Hikigaya yelled and then an IUPF personal came forward. From the stripes on his uniform he could be distinguished as a Sergeant.

"Come on we've just gotten back from pa-"

"Get your asses in the jeeps we got a wedding to crash." He said as he kept moving forwards and hearing him the men groaned and started to move.

"Shouldn't the engagement come first?" The Sergeant tried to protest but he was ignored.

As he got into the lead jeep Hikigaya dialed a number that he never thought he would dial.

* * *

This is it….

I clung to the bouquet tighter, while the priest went over the final verses.

It was strange indeed, we were both Japanese yet our wedding was Christian. Media channels would be broadcasting this Live on all channels so there was the chance that Mother wanted to use it to bolster our Image further. Even though a war was going on, she didn't care about anything but to cling to the false castles that she had built.

Now I know how Nee-san must feel every time….

Speaking of her, she had gone out of the church a few minutes ago and hadn't returned. She received a call in the middle of service and from the look on her face she didn't expect it nor was she pleased.

Her expression when she was talking to the person on the other side was….unpleasant to say the least and after a minute she left the cathedral and hadn't returned.

"Pay attention….they're watching." Hayam….I mean Hayato whispered to me while standing beside me grinning, this time his smile was gen….

I let out a quite chuckle as I thought about it.

Wasn't it ridiculous, a woman having the thoughts of another man on her wedding day?

"If any of you has any reasons as to why these two should not be united, speak up now or forever hold your peace." The priest announced and a silence descended upon the whole church.

Of course no….

 **BANG!BANG!**

Suddenly two gunshots rang out and everyone present, including me look back at the source. Even the camera men swing their camera around at the sight.

Then the Church doors which were closed shut, suddenly collapsed and fell down inwards with a huge crash.

A single man stood in the doorway. He wore a black Trench-coat and carried a shotgun on his shoulder. Several of the Security guards went for their guns at the sight.

"Yeah, I got a problem." The man yells and strides in. Now that he gets closer more features become visible. His eyes were covered by his cap and he carried a shotgun on his shoulder and he had…

Hey, wait a minute…

Why Would a Peacekeeping Officer Come Here?!

"I wasn't invited for the Wedding of my old High School _friends,_ so I thought I'd bring a wedding present as compensation for crashing the wedding." The man says as he walks up the aisle.

Huh, did I hear him right, High School?

But I don't know….

He suddenly whistles and several men tramp in. All of them wore the same outfit and were heavily armed. Several could be recognized as IUPF operatives and the other were JSDF personals. They could be easily differentiated by the flags sewn on their chests. They came in and stood in a next to the pews along all the rows, from the front till the back.

Then….

A nearly nude man was forcibility dragged in by two other men. They dragged him to the man who stopped near the first pew, where my mother and father along with my to-be In-laws were sitting.

"Sorry about the condition mate, couldn't decorate it up." The man said as the men dumped the person in front of my Mother.

"He is the only survivors of the Hired guns that attacked our base."

"Funnily, they just wanted a few files," The man asks with a scowl and with an intimidating voice. " _Files they killed my men for,"_ He leaned forward with one foot on the man.

" _Files….relating to your case."_

"We have legitimate confirmations from several sources that you were responsible for the Attack….as well as a confession from…" He kicked the man, "This guy. You got to say anything before I start shooting?"

My mother was shocked at their entrance and then when the man was dropped in front of her she had recoiled back from shock and then furiously attacked them verbally.

"What is the meaning of this? How dare you barge into a-"

"Enough…. I've heard enough." The man barks and my mother stops in the middle.

"You're under arrest under charge of Treason and Espionage. Resist and we will respond with full-force." He then stops and then looks at the crowd, several of whom are now standing.

"And all of you are charged with guilty by association and will be guilty until proven otherwise." At this voices of protest start coming from all over the hall.

"Hey listen you cannot arrest anyone if you don't have a warrant-" Hayama angry over all of this tries to talk to the man who turned his attention towards him.

"Looks like you didn't get the memo Hayama, not only are we here to reinforce the JSDF we're here to take out the trash too….oh I see a large piece of Human-trash in front of me."

"Yeah, you are under arrest too….Hayama." The man said and as he lifts his head his eyes hidden by his cap came in to view.

"HIKIGAYA HACHIMAN?!" Hayama exclaims absolutely shocked.

* * *

"You're Hikigaya Hachiman!" Hayama asked the man in disbelief while shocked at the fact and reality that the man he thought he had destroyed a long time ago had come back to haunt him.

"So someone actually remembers me?...its amusing to say the least." He chuckles a bit "I thought I had lost that along with my heart back then. Yes, I am Colonel Hikigaya Hachiman, head of International Peacekeeping Force Eastern Troops." He lifts his cap and his face comes into view.

Yukinoshita gasps after seeing his face, as the man who stands in front of her is nothing like the person she knew…and secretly admired. His face bore several scars and the eyes which were once called rotten fish eyes now look…empty.

…..well the remaining one at least.

"Who the fuck do you-ahh!" Hayama angrily tried to launch himself at Hikigaya but is suddenly cut off by Hikigaya's Combat Boot (Swedish Made, reinforced with Steel Toe) smashing into his privates.

"I'm just doing my job…mate. Arrest all of these assholes!" He yelled before throwing an uppercut at Hayama which knocked him out and sent him sprawling backwards on the floor.

As he issues his command, a dozen Riot Police barge inside and the men already present in the hall aim their guns on the people sitting in the pews.

The people sitting at the back were the first to be forcibly dragged off their seats while guns were being pointed at their faces. They are then handcuffed and escorted out by the Roit police who attacked anyone with Batons who resisted. The hired security gave one look at each other and decided to assist the IUPF and JSDF forces in arresting the people.

Yukinoshita look at the proceeding with a mixed face. Though she was a bit happy that she didn't have to marry Hayama, she was also angry and furious at what was happening.

"What do you think you're doing?" She asked angrily while she took up the brass candle holder nearby and held it high in a threatening manner.

"Put that thing down first, you're making yourself a target." Hikigaya replied in a emotionless voice, Yukinoshita looked to her left and saw several men pointing their guns at her, their lazers aiming at various parts of her body.

"To answer your question, Your Mother and several of the people here have committed Treason…as well as several other crimes. We're just mopping them up, all in one go." He told her as she slowly put down the candle-stand.

"And these people?" She said pointing at a person who was currently being "escorted" out of the church. "Are they Traitors as well?"

"Guilty by association," He shrugged "And the shit-storm with East America we're not taking chances with the corporate-sector. The innocent will be spared…after we sort them out at the base." Yukino was about the launch another verbal attack when the sergeant from before suddenly spoke up.

"…Umm, did anyone see the Priest?" He asked to which Hikigaya swung his head towards at the Altar where the priest was supposed to be

…but was currently missing.

"He was here a second ago….Where is he?" He asked Yukinoshita.

"Are you going to arrest him?" She asked angrily.

"We're going to take him in for questioning."

"I'll check the-" The man tried to say but was interrupted by a panel flying open at the back and a person wearing the robes of a priest strode forward. A hood covered his face and he walked slowly towards them the soldiers present in the front aim their guns at him.

"Freeze," One of the men yelled but he still kept moved forward towards them.

"Stop or we will fire!" The man yelled again and then suddenly the man reached for something in his clothes and pulled out something resembling a switch.

The soldier didn't hesitate….

Seconds later, a dozen NATO 5.50 rounds tore through the man chest and making him stagger and fall to his knees. He then slumped and fell on the floor. Two seconds later more rounds tore through the man back.

…..Insurance of course.

The Cathedral Hall which should have broken out into a stampede in any other case became dangerously silent. Everyone in the hall froze and looked towards the front of the cathedral where the man lay. The Riot police used their shields to quickly form covers for both the soldiers as well as the civilians. Hikigaya had slung his shotgun behind his back and now upholstered his 1911 and was aiming it at the fallen priest.

The soldier who shot the priest slowly approached the fallen man while still keeping his finger on the trigger. He had almost closed the distance when the fallen man groaned and using his hands as a support turned himself over, exposing the various gunshots that he had received. He then moved his hand and exposed the device that he had been taking out.

The man with a shock recognized that device and tried to warn his comrades but was cut off by an explosion that engulfed the front of the church.

* * *

I tried to open my eyes and after much difficulty I was able to open them a bit. After the explosion I felt like something fell on me. I heard the sounds of gunfire and felt someone picking me up, and I think I must have passed out after that.

I was propped against a car with several injured people, and a person with a Red Cross band on his arm was moving in-between checking them for a few moments before moving on to the next person. Gunfire could be heard everywhere.

"What do you mean we can't have Armor?" A familiar voice tore through the chaos. I turned my head towards the source of the voice but couldn't see him from where I was propped.

"Most of the Tanks got damaged during the bombing a week ago."

"I'll be Damned….Call in Air supp-"

"We can't, most of them were sent to some emergency sortie near Nijima-island."

"I'll be double damned…."

"What are we going to do?"

There was no word from them for a few seconds when someone suddenly yelled.

"Watch out the guy's got a Mini!" And then I felt a sharp impact at the back of my head and then I passed out again.

* * *

"Damn, What the hell are we going to do?" Hikigaya thought as he lay on the ground trying to avoid the incoming hail of bullets from the Minigun.

"Sir, incoming transmission." Felix was also on the ground suddenly yelled and Hikigaya suddenly heard a friendly voice.

"This is Captain Michael Arena, Commander of the 7th Fleet; it seems that you need a bit of assistance Colonel?"

"Capt Michael, this is Colonel Hikigaya, we're pinned in the vicinity of St Mary's Cathedral. We require immediate Backup."

"Roger that, we've dispatched a Red Scorpion squadron to assist you. They will be with you in 6 mikes. Target building has excellent fortification but I have a idea."

"Capt Michael Arena, you're clear to proceed. Over and Out." Hikigaya said after he heard the plan.

As he put it down he immediately looked towards his men.

They won't take it easy…on second thoughts…

….They will.

"Fall-back!"

* * *

5 minutes later the citizens of Tokyo tore their gazes from their phones and the nearby cute-girl to the skies as a flight of F-15S flew over low over the city. They bore the emblem of a scorpion….

They were…

The Red Scorpions…

They were the most Elite Squadron of the IUPF having seen combat in almost all the war-zones around the world.

They were currently flying at an Angel at speed of more than 900 km per hour.

As the cathedral came into sight, they descended to a mere 700 meters and headed in a straight line with their noses pointing at the cathedral. Then they banked towards the right and headed away from it.

Suddenly one of them broke formation and banking left dived towards the cathedral.

After descending for a few seconds he pulled the stick up and banked away from the cathedral.

To a person watching from a distance, it seemed like a stunt.

But in reality…..

Seconds later, something hit the western part of the slanting wall that was the one of the landmark features of Saint Mary's Cathedral and with a crash a large part of the wall caved in.

What the pilot used was a Mark 84 bomb, which had not changed shape since it was first used in Vietnam.

Now you may ask what's the use?

 _ **The dumb was used for one simple reason….**_

As this was happening the other planes had already turned back and gotten in a straight line with the cathedral.

 _ **To blast open a way….**_

This time the men inside the cathedral dropped to the ground and bowed as they tried to recite their last prayers.

… _ **.for the real bomb.**_

* * *

This time I was able to open my eyes without much difficulty and I realized this time I was inside a vehicle.

A limo to be exact…

"You remember the deal right?" A Familiar voice sounded to my right and I looked out of the window and saw Nee-san and….him talking.

"You're ready for a written confession?" He said.

"I was since I took you're offer. Now the deal,"

"Yes, you and you're sister are free to go. No action will be taken against you or your sister… unless you do something stupid."

After he said this Nee-san nodded to him and started walking towards the Limo. As she opened the door I asked her the question that had formed in my mind after her conversation…

"Nee-san...what were you talking about?" As I said this she swung around as she got into the driver's seat.

"Oh, Yukino-chan you heard that?, well I'll tell you later. Ok, now rest for a while. You should be happy…speaking of which…" She said before her face showed an expression that I had not seen for a long time.

"Oi, Hikigaya-kun, why don't you take her…I mean she need a man now, and you two ended up kissing didn't you?"

W-WHAT?!

"That was an accident….now get out of here." He grumbled, though there was a bit of redness on his face.

"Oh come on, you still like and want Yukino-chan…don't you?" He smiled for a second….but it was not one of happiness.

It was more like….amusement.

"Haruno," he said using her first name, "I've lived without your sister for 8 years now, I think I can live without her for the rest of my days too." Then his expression changed.

"NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I ARREST YOU UNDER CHARGE OF DISRUPTING POLICE WORK!" He bellowed making Nee-san laugh in amusement.

"Oh come on, I bet I'll find you in her bedroom a few days later."

" FRANK, FELIX ARREST THIS WOMAN!"

"How boring." she said before she stepped on the accelerator.

* * *

"Damn that woman." She can never leave me alone…

""Sir!"" Frank and Felix said as they MAGICALLY appear in front of me….

"Nothing now, you're late." They were quite for a second before they spoke up again.

"This…was your plan?"

"Man someone's going to get pissed."

They said as we stared at Saint Mary's Cathedral….

….or what was left.

The Cathedral….was now almost destroyed because of the Iron-bomb and fire-crews had arrived to put out the fires…

My men were also helping in any way they could.

The Valahia members were….probably pulped.

"Assign this to Capt Hayamoto will you? That guy was giving issues to some Civillians from what I saw...he'll meet his mettle."

"Still feels over-kill…."

"What are we gonna report back?"

"Stuff happened." I said straight-away.

"Why the hell were they holed up in the building anyway?"

"Yeah, someone only does that when they have hostages…."

"I don't remember anyone remaining behind?"

"Wait, what about the blond bastard?"

"Who?"

"You know that guy you punched?"

"Who Haya-...Oh shit!"

And it was at this moment that I realized that I had probably forgot Hayama inside…..

Damn you Yukinoshita….

Which means…

"He's dead…" Frank murmured…

...

...

...

"Poor sod, killed by a suicide bomber." Frank said.

"Damn the Valahia." I continued.

"Is there no end to the cruelty of this enemy?" Felix finished and with that your discussion ended.

"Come on, we got work to do." I said as we walked towards our vehicles. The suddenly Frank stopped.

"Holy cow!" Frank suddenly exclaimed "I just got an idea for a story."

"Not again…" Felix grumbled.

"If you put something related to me again, I'll punch your pretty face." Yeah and keep punching till he's all black and blue and then chuck him into Tokyo bay.

"Come on Colonel, You'll love the Title." He said and then with an exaggerated pose yelled.

"How I Learned To Stop Loving Her And Crashed Her Wedding."

"Frank…"

"Yeah,"

"Shut the Fuck up."

* * *

 _ **Bloody hell mate Finally got this thing done!**_

 _ **Took me three weeks to write this thing and that is due to….**_

 _ **OmegaEleven and zEnKo and Lyinghikihelping me out with this story.**_

 _ **Without them it was stuck right around….**_

"… _ **Umm, did anyone see the Priest?"**_

 _ **Yeah I got into a damn writers bloc right here and because of them I was able to proceed with it.**_

 _ **So thank you guys again.**_

 _ **I'm in a bit of a pickle right now in the meat space so…updates might take a hell more time than….well the usual?**_

 _ **If you're wondering many of the Terms I used are a sneek-peek to what I am planning.**_

 _ **Yeah to Sky-Wolf, which I've removed for the time being.**_

 _ **Ok so why did I write this…**_

 _ **Well for one no-one had done a wedding crasher scene….**_

 _ **Well no offence, but that one was a role reversal.**_

 _ **So well I'm the "In your face" kind of guy so I planned to do this….and I promised you guys a KA-BOOM of the wedding didn't I?**_

 _ **First thing how should I do this?**_

 _ **That was one of my first roadblocks…**_

 _ **I don't have good humour.**_

 _ **I don't have Drama…**_

 _ **What do I have?**_

 _ **Well there was only one thing…**_

" _ **Frank get me a 409, shit just got serious."**_

 _ **The result is what you just read.**_

 _ **Ok….I'm out of words to say…**_

 _ **Oh yeah, please post something on our forums. I don't know about the other two but I feel like a jackass whenever I open my forum and see it empty. So please, post something on mine too.**_

 _ **Good Onya Mates!**_


End file.
